Hey, guys!
So this week I've had a few ladies come to me about arguments with their soldiers. This is something that all couples deal with during deployment, my hubs and myself included. Each couple and situation is different so there's no one exact answer, but I thought I'd share my experience with arguing and resolving issues when you're thousands of miles apart- what worked for Andy and me, anyway...
Most of you have probably been married long enough that you have learned how to approach and resolve your disagreements without turning it into a huge issue. Deployments are TOTALLY different, though. Something may have worked for you and your soldier when he was home, but isn't cutting it when he's overseas.
Here's the thing: Deployments are stressful. (Duh, right?) We have a lot more anxiety in our day-to-day and we spend a lot more time on edge. Plus we're all under a lot of pressure.
We're under pressure to carefully filter our conversations (on both ends). We also feel the pressure of trying our hardest to keep all conversations as light and upbeat as possible. We get so little communication that we don't want to spend that time arguing. I get it, believe me! But it's unreasonable, in my opinion, to think that you can go 6-12 months without disagreements. And the problem with even the slightest disagreement is that under high-stress situations those tiny disagreements escalate and turn into huge arguments if you aren't careful.
First of all, don't beat yourself up over an argument. They're bound to happen.
When they do, try to stop and understand where your anger is actually coming from, and if you're directing it in the right place. (Most of the time I'm betting you're not.)
You have to be especially careful to try and see their perspective now. Their mind is in a completely different place than it was when they were at home. They're mission-focused and that's a good thing! Also, they aren't here for our day to day and they could likely be feeling isolated and/or uninvolved. All that being said do not let that be an excuse for him to treat you poorly, and it's important he's willing to see things from your perspective as well.
My advice to anybody who would like it- is letters and e-mails. This works when they're home or away, really. The one and only advantage to having an argument during deployment is that we can spend minimal time going back and forth, saying potentially hurtful things to one another, so we have time to cool off and collect our thoughts on the situation. Now we can communicate them clearly and calmly with no distractions or interruptions. In this case we can control our temper and do without name-calling or getting off topic, sending us into a rabbit-hole. I am a firm believer in reconciliation. I do not believe in sweeping things under the rug, and Andy and I are both the kind of people that feel obligated to resolve any issues as soon as we can. So do I hate arguing with him when he's a million miles away? YES. Would I love to go 12 months or complete and utter perfect understanding without one of us getting frustrated with the other? Absolutely. But that's not marriage. It's not life. So it happens- and we work it out. And once we resolve it- it's history. There's no bringing it up 10 years later!
Remember that you and your spouse are a TEAM. It's the two of you against the world- always! You must have each others' backs and continue to nurture your relationship. Let your deployments make you stronger, not tear you apart.
M.
So this week I've had a few ladies come to me about arguments with their soldiers. This is something that all couples deal with during deployment, my hubs and myself included. Each couple and situation is different so there's no one exact answer, but I thought I'd share my experience with arguing and resolving issues when you're thousands of miles apart- what worked for Andy and me, anyway...
Most of you have probably been married long enough that you have learned how to approach and resolve your disagreements without turning it into a huge issue. Deployments are TOTALLY different, though. Something may have worked for you and your soldier when he was home, but isn't cutting it when he's overseas.
Here's the thing: Deployments are stressful. (Duh, right?) We have a lot more anxiety in our day-to-day and we spend a lot more time on edge. Plus we're all under a lot of pressure.
We're under pressure to carefully filter our conversations (on both ends). We also feel the pressure of trying our hardest to keep all conversations as light and upbeat as possible. We get so little communication that we don't want to spend that time arguing. I get it, believe me! But it's unreasonable, in my opinion, to think that you can go 6-12 months without disagreements. And the problem with even the slightest disagreement is that under high-stress situations those tiny disagreements escalate and turn into huge arguments if you aren't careful.
First of all, don't beat yourself up over an argument. They're bound to happen.
When they do, try to stop and understand where your anger is actually coming from, and if you're directing it in the right place. (Most of the time I'm betting you're not.)
You have to be especially careful to try and see their perspective now. Their mind is in a completely different place than it was when they were at home. They're mission-focused and that's a good thing! Also, they aren't here for our day to day and they could likely be feeling isolated and/or uninvolved. All that being said do not let that be an excuse for him to treat you poorly, and it's important he's willing to see things from your perspective as well.
My advice to anybody who would like it- is letters and e-mails. This works when they're home or away, really. The one and only advantage to having an argument during deployment is that we can spend minimal time going back and forth, saying potentially hurtful things to one another, so we have time to cool off and collect our thoughts on the situation. Now we can communicate them clearly and calmly with no distractions or interruptions. In this case we can control our temper and do without name-calling or getting off topic, sending us into a rabbit-hole. I am a firm believer in reconciliation. I do not believe in sweeping things under the rug, and Andy and I are both the kind of people that feel obligated to resolve any issues as soon as we can. So do I hate arguing with him when he's a million miles away? YES. Would I love to go 12 months or complete and utter perfect understanding without one of us getting frustrated with the other? Absolutely. But that's not marriage. It's not life. So it happens- and we work it out. And once we resolve it- it's history. There's no bringing it up 10 years later!
Remember that you and your spouse are a TEAM. It's the two of you against the world- always! You must have each others' backs and continue to nurture your relationship. Let your deployments make you stronger, not tear you apart.
M.
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